Hi there,
Gaia here - one of True Nature's co-founders.
Here's a rather personal email; I wanted to share a little bit about the journey I've been on over the last 7 years with my beloved, who I recently married this July, to share some of what I've learned about how to have better and more fulfilling relationships.
Later in this email I offer 5 tips for navigating conflict in relationships… but first a bit of a story.
Last April we climbed to the top of a small mountain called Hallin Fell in Ullswater, The Lake District to return a stone we took from the top 4 years ago. At the top, he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.
I said yes.
When we first climbed Hallin Fell it was a symbol for all the hardship we were enduring at the time, and the stone was the trophy won for persevering through the challenges in our love story. Challenges with conflict, intimacy, honesty, open relating, jealousy, drama - it was a mess, and we broke up later that year.
We got back together after 12 months apart, we had a year of therapy, we seriously went in on looking at our relational patterns and worked hard to cultivate a relationship that now feels strong, safe and full of fun and passion.
I wish I could say it was easy, but it wasn't - it took a fuck load of work and determination to get to this point. I have been humbled time and again by the work of relational living that so acutely confronts me with my blindspots. Things about myself I had no idea were there until I started doing couples work.
This year we got married with 100 of our closest friends and family in a sweet little farm house, and we shared our vows that we have been crafting over the years, that keep us on track: Honesty, Self Responsibility, Team Spirit, Cherishing & Staying Power - (I spoke these vows as a poem during the ceremony - you can read the poem at the end of this email)
Something that I am most grateful for is how we have learned a shared language to understand what each of our patterns are in relationship and developed the awareness and relational skills to navigate challenge without drama. (Most of the time 😉)
Conflict isn't necessarily bad, it's often the sign of a healthy relationship - when we can navigate conflict well together, it means that we are able to bring our truth to the table, confident that we are both able to hold it, and process whatever comes up together. This is what makes relationships resilient.
I've learned so much from my own relationship, as well as training in Relational Life Therapy, that I have decided to run a short online course in November to support other couples to not just heal hurts in their relationships, but to create happy, healthy and thriving partnerships. (Open to single folks as well!)
More about that later: for now I wanted to share some tips to navigate conflict and improve communication that have been a total game changer for us.
5 Ways to Navigate Conflict
1. Regular check ins - A weekly opportunity to bring anything unspoken in the relationship, knowing there is proper space and time to process it.
2. Let go of being right - being right put you on opposing teams. There are always 2 perspectives in any relationship. I may not share your view of an event, but I can acknowledge how you experienced it, and how you experience something matters to me, especially if you are hurt or upset.
3. Active listening - most arguments happen because both people are talking and no one is listening. This is a simple exercise where you mirror back what you hear your partner say. It helps slow the conversation and for each person feel truly listened to.
4. The story I tell myself - It's amazing how often we experience an event and make up stories about what it means. In this exercise you learn to separate out fact, feeling and story. You then check with your partner if that story is true. It takes it out of blame and into self responsibility.
5. Know when to stop - it's not productive to keep going when either one or both of you are highly dis-regulated, or tired. Learn how to take breaks responsibly
This four week course teaches frameworks to understand the mechanics behind the challenges in your relationships, and practical tools and exercises to help you break those unhealthy patterns, and build the buffer of love and cherishing.
Each week will introduce a new framework for understanding relationships, alongside a practical exercise or tool to practise.
If you have a partner you will practise these tools together, if you are single or attending alone you will be partnered with a new buddy each week.
If you are curious about my journey and want to learn how to transform your own relationship, you can sign up to this four week course, or get in touch with me directly if you have any questions or would prefer 1-1 coaching.
The Vows of my Marriage
I read these vows in the form of a poem during my wedding ceremony. I hope you enjoy:
Despite what the Beatles say
Love is not all you need
Love alone is not enough
Love needs Honesty
Above all else
honesty
Honesty is to love
as water is to fish
As sunlight is to plants
Without honesty,
love is like a bird with one wing
Let’s be real
It takes courage to be honest
It takes courage to be honest with yourself
because, well
the truth
Can be pretty inconvenient
But when I lie to myself
When I withhold from you
It is like ignoring holes in the boat
Hoping all will be well
And slowly, quietly, sinking
My commitment to you
Is to have the courage to rock the boat
To save it from going under
To get down in the hull
and fill that hole
With my tender, my raw
My sometimes excruciating
Truth
Because love is not all you need
Love alone is not enough
Love needs responsibility
Two pillars holding up the house
Standing side by side
Facing out towards life
Self responsibility means
To keep our own sides of the street clean
It's the strength to really listen
and own what is rightfully mine
To apologise every single time
I fall out of line
To hold my hands up and say
‘I’m sorry’
‘I was wrong’
Responsibility is to feel all that needs to be felt
To know when to ask for help
Grieve what’s lost
and forgive what’s past
A great love should continue to show
the ways in which we need to grow
Because Love is not all you need
Love alone is not enough
Love needs Team Spirit
Beyond the battle of desires
Beyond ideas of right and wrong
Beyond me vs you
Is where Team Spirit lives
I’ll meet you there
Team spirit is tacking
Back and forth across the ocean
Towards a shared destination
Is to give and take
Is the wisdom to know
When to wait
and what to sacrifice
Team spirit is to say
I am more than this body
I am more than this single entity
Floating through life
I am part of something greater than myself
Something worth setting aside
My superficial desires for
Team spirit it is to say
I will be there
Night or day
For as long as it takes
Because Love is not all you need
Love alone is not enough
Love needs Cherishing
You deserve to be cherished
And every day with you is precious
We all have our holes
And yours are edged with gold
That say ‘we don’t know what tomorrow brings’
You teach me to never take this for granted
May I never take you for granted
But cherish you the way darkness cherishes the seed
So that you may root down
and find security in the muddy cuddle of the ground
May I be the ground that holds, protects and nurtures you
May you feel solid in the soil of my love
And hear words of praise
Each day that you wake
So that there can be no doubt in your mind
That you are the one I love
Cherishing is the sweetness of life
It’s what keeps love alive
Cherish little and often
Because Love is not all you need
Love alone is not enough
Love needs Staying Power
The power to stay
The power to hold fast
Hold on in rough storms
Hold in my heart the bigger picture
Hold your hand through hard times
I will be here
Staying power is the anchor
That allows all else to thrive and grow
In the safety of knowing
I will be here
It is the ground from which
we can take great leaps and risks
Seeking novelty and exhilaration
Weathering boredom and frustration
In sickness and in health
I will be here
Because love is not all you need
Love alone is not enough
With love and tenderness,
Gaia
